SMR NEEDS HELP: IRONY! I DECEIVED MYSELF OUT OF MY LOVE NEST NOW AM IN TROUBLE

The antics girls go through just to keep their boyfriends! The horror!! I do not know where to start telling this story. How do I begin to tell a sad tale? It was not easy, I can assure you. It is too painful to remember some of the horrors I have had to endure in this my young life. I am too young for this rubbish.

        My name is Oghogho. This is a Bini name. I have lived in Benin all my life and my exposure level is not really all that high. That does not mean that Benin is not an exposed city. It is a city full of fun and it has all the attributes of a modern city. The problem with me is that I have always lived a sheltered life.

        My parents had this tendency to keep their daughters squarely and firmly at home. The resolved with which my father carried his conviction is amazing. He is so sure of himself so serious about our future that the does all he can to make sure that his daughters do not get spoilt. We are six children in the family. Four of us are girls. I am the second daughter and third child.

        That meant that I was one of the first to experience my father’s harsh opinions on child raising. He would bully us from morning till night, lecturing about the dangers of boyfriends, about the traps that we are settling for ourselves. He tells us that when we wear fine and revealing clothes, we are only setting a trap for ourselves; not for the boys that were meant to be our victims.

        How I wish I knew how right he was then? How I wish I had listened in his harsh counsel. I did not know that that man knew what he was talking about. He knew the basics about life and he did not hesitate in letting us learn from him and absorb the lessons we need to become good mothers and wives.

        I never liked those lectures. To me, those words felt like admonitions meant for kids not for a smart young girl like me. I always felt that I knew better than others about life. I had this confidence (some might call it cockiness) but I never knew that it would not do me good. If I had had my ears to listen I may have listened to the wise counsel of a caring father. But I was stubborn. I was so stubborn, so damned stubborn.

        I wanted to do things my own way. I wanted to run my life the way I chose. I didn’t care for anybody’s opinion about my boyfriends or whoever I chose to keep around me. I was determined to keep my path straight. That path is of my won choice. No one was allowed to tell me what to do. Pure and simple. I guess you now have an idea about my character, about the kind of person that I am. I am not an easy person to like. The simple truth is that most people hate me that first time that meet me. It takes them sometime to get used to me but when they do, they usually like me very much.

        My relationship with Rashid started on a funny note. He is one of these tough guys from Auchi Poly that we all hear about one of these guys who bounce all over the town wearing scruffy Jeans and smoking all types of banned grasses. I do not know what attracted me to him. If I had listened to my parents, I am sure I would not have fallen for someone like Rashid. I would have been cautious and careful. But you know how I am, don’t you? You know I am stubborn and opinionated. I liked the guy and there was nothing anybody could do about it.

        He toasted me and I feel for him straight away. It is not that I am cheap or that I am the kind of girl that guys just pick up but this boy was different. I could not resist him and I did not intend to leave this cute, rough-cut diamond to any other girl. I had to have him for myself.

        I have a possessive streak. I have never felt inside my mind that I had a tendency to want to keep something or someone entirely to myself.

        Possessiveness or jealousy can be good. It lets your partner know that you are indeed serious about him or her. It serves to assure your boyfriend that he is not just indulging in a fling. He is in a serious relationship. These are all true. However, there is another side to possessiveness; it can breed a passion, a hatred that can be mutually dangerous. It can make you contemplate and take actions that you would not have done before. If my sense were all right you wouldn’t do the terrible thing I ended up doing.

         I became very possessive about Rashid. I couldn’t stand the thought of him with any other girl. I could not stomach any idea of infidelity on his party. It started with small queries about his where-about anytime I wasn’t with him.

        “Where were you last night?” I would ask in that aggressive tone only a woman can conjure.

        “Leave me alone, bo,” he would answer wearily. He was tired of these my questions but that didn’t stop me. I kept on going at it. I wanted to know every little fact about his life. I wanted to know his every move.

        At first, he laughed at me antics. I guess he was just enjoying the attention I was giving him. He would smile right past me and start another conversation. That boy could be cheeky. With time, my little jealousies turned into a terrible obsession. I felt that I must have this guy completely. I wanted devising little plans and ways to keep him.

        The idea came into my head one night. It must have come straight from the devil himself because it was so bizarre and outrageous. I decided to tell Rashid that I was pregnant for him when I knew fully well that I wasn’t. I wanted to trap him into a marriage with me. I knew that he loved me so much that he would not hesitate about marrying me.

        For one reason or the other, I couldn’t get pregnant myself. I tried to get pregnant with him and it just refused to happen. Anyway I had my plan and I was going to follow it through. I waited for the right time to tell him that I was pregnant. He was just come back from his youth service and we had been sleeping together frequently.

        I went to see him one day and walked into his bedroom without knocking. I always do that. The idea is to catch him with any girl. I would beat the living daylights out of anyone I found in Rashid’s bedroom.

        Anyway, I sat down by the bed and started talking.

        “Rashid, I have something important to tell you.”

        “O yeah?”

        “Yes, I think I am going to have a baby.”

        It was out now. The lie had been told. All that remained was his reaction.

        “You must be crazy!” he screamed.

        “How dare you get pregnant?” he was absolutely furious.

        “I do not want any bastard baby. I do not want anything to spoil my future!”

        I was so shocked at his reaction. He literally pushed me out of his room and ordered me to have an abortion. When I got home, I was so confused. I did not know what to do. Should I tell him that I was kidding?

        No, that would make me look like a liar. Should I pretend to have an abortion?

        Somebody please tell me what to do. I know that I may lose this guy if I don’t tread carefully. So please tell me how to get out of this terrible situation please.